Married and kinky, part 1

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Twenty years is a long time. Since we were married in 1998, both of us have changed careers. We’re in the second house we’ve owned together, and are driving our umpteenth car. We put our son through college, beloved dogs have grown old and passed away, we’ve adopted or bought others, and we’re raising chickens. As a couple, we cherish the time we spend together, cooking, reading, doing chores around our place and taking care of the big blonde Palomino in his bachelor pad, aka the barn.

We’ve weathered a deployment to the Middle East that was about as stressful as it gets. We held each other in disbelief on that terrible day in 2001. We crossed our fingers for John Kerry, and rejoiced when President Obama was elected. We’ve gone through sickness, hospital stays, operations, and who knows what else.

As a committed couple we’ve worked hard over the years to sustain our relationship. But its been hard and there’s no denying we hit a wall a number of years ago and it was tall and awfully thick. It wasn’t anything terrible like infidelity or something like that. There were just the day-to-day stresses that wear away at every couple. I mean, you get tired and worn down by work, paying bills, dealing with a kid, taking care of the pets, house cleaning, laundry, car maintenance, and who knows what.

So sex began to get pushed further and further back into the list of priorities. There were just so many things to do, and one, the other or both are too tired, not in the mood, feeling bad or self-conscious, or just plain disinterested in having sex. The cycle fed on itself, leading to hurt feelings, misunderstanding, grasping for answers, trying to find solutions, fumbled attempts at “rekindling the spark”, “igniting intimacy”, “falling back in love”, and so on.

An entire industry of books, therapists, counselors, pastors, radio talk show hosts, and probably some talking chimps, are all out there trying to make a dime on couples in difficulty, tough times, or just plain troubled relationships. Most of them are probably well-intentioned and their ideas/theories seem (at least from what I’ve read and heard) to share common themes:

Talk and find romance,

Light candles and take baths together,

Spend a lot of time kissing and gently touching,

Etc, etc, etc.

Amelie and I tried all these things and more besides. We read books together, practiced massage, rhythmic breathing, watched porn, read naughty bedtime stories, scheduled sex dates, took romantic getaways, and other stuff. But it all kind of of avoided the main thing. We weren’t bored with each other. No way because our commitment was strong. But we were bored with doing the same thing in our sex life and it just felt like we couldn’t get across that wall.

This got us on the subject of bondage and it was like a light bulb went off above our heads. It’s not a stretch to say both of us were close to the breaking point. But we never stopped trying. One evening we found a web advert for the Sportsheets under bed restraint system. We had both thought about S/M earlier in our lives, but never acted on our fantasies. So feeling there wasn’t anything to lose, we ordered the restraints, a cheap flogger, and some other kinky odds and ends.

We stumbled badly in our first attempts at getting our kink on. But the fun kept us moving forward with tantalizing glimpses what might be. As we developed more confidence in ourselves and each other, our relationship improved in ways large and small. And the whole time we were going harder, faster, and longer. 

Since that time that seems so long ago, our interests have evolved and deepened and we’re doing stuff today that neither of us could have envisioned at the beginning. Although we wouldn’t go so far as to say that kink saved our marriage, it has definitely played a strong and positive role in our evolution as a couple.

We strongly believe that being kinky isn’t about what you do, but about how you feel and who you are,

You in kink,

Amelie & Mark, the hkc

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