Patience is a virtue in BDSM

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We can all recall the old saying that patience is a virtue. That’s especially true for couples/moresomes considering a new kind of BDSM play. Every kinkster started somewhere. Maybe they took the deep plunge, or perhaps, felt the wavelets on the shoreline tickle their feet at first. Some began by sitting on the beach watching the fun.

Where are the lines?

Newbies frequently write or say words like “I’m willing to try anything.” They don’t realize that people are doing all sorts of stuff, from splooshing to AB/DL. But newbies soon realize that there are actually lots of kinky stuff they have zero interest in. As a result, they develop their own limits. We can divide these boundaries into three groups:

  • Hard limits, or things I will not engage in,
  • Soft limits, or things I am hesitant about, but may want to explore,
  • Maybe later, or I’m not ready for it now, but maybe in the future.

For couples/moresomes, one or more partners may want to explore a new kink or aspect of BDSM. A stress point can develop when the other partner either has no interest in it, doesn’t want to do it, or isn’t ready to commit. We subscribe fully to Dan’s Savage’s concept of good, giving, and game to try – within reason. But people also need space to process the complex emotions and feelings surrounding S/M, kinks, and fetishes.

Why in the world would you want to do that?

Let’s say you want to do hardcore bondage with your sweetie. You may encounter trouble (and be terribly disappointed) if you don’t put make effort to discuss this idea thoroughly beforehand. Maybe they aren’t quite ready, but are game to experiment with something simpler, like a harness or bedroom bondage. Or perhaps getting tied up is one of their hard limits.

Either way, you need to be patient and respect your partner’s feelings. Trying to cajole or guilt them into doing what you want is almost guaranteed to backfire. Put your own feelings on hold for a moment and consider their position. If the answer was no, than that’s it; end of story.

For yes, maybe, or not right now, your sweetie probably has to work way through several layers of resistance figuring it out. These might include:

  • The societal taboo that surrounds BDSM,
  • Gender role conditioning (men don’t hit women, women are supposed to be emotional, etc),
  • Questioning why they aren’t good enough you, or how you could possibly have these feelings.

In our world of instant gratification, everything is available with a click of the mouse. Nowhere is this more true than with sexuality, and every fetish, crazy sex position, and kink resides at our fingertips. All too often, people get their ideas from watching porn, which needless to say, is far-removed from our relationships. Here’s the secret:

Real life doesn’t work like that

We’ve written before that kink is about connections, and our sex lives don’t exist in a bubble. They’re part of the complex strands of people in close connection with one another. If you try to push your partner into doing something they don’t want, it may reverberate in other areas of your relationship. Conversely, if you sweetie has an urge to try something new and you’re hesitant, try to think about where they’re coming from.

Figure out where you and your partner(s) are coming from, and find your own story. Remember, it’s yours to write.

Yours in kink,

Amelie & Mark

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